Crime

Crime Jokes

Difference

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.

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  • Victim

    What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

    A rape victim!

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  • Priest

    One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

    When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

    Serves him right.

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  • Pedo

    I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

    I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

    She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

    Kidney

    When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

    When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

    Rape

    Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term "struggle snuggle."

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  • Difference

    What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

    One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

    Friend

    Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

    Friend 2: Me neither.

    Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

    Friend 1: *jumps*

    Friend 2: *jumps*

    Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

    Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

    Kidnapping

    One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

    Balance

    So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

    Tire

    An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

    What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

    Name

    Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.

    Student: My name is Buttitches.

    Teacher: Please tell us your real name.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Teacher: I’m calling the police.

    Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Police: *shoots gun.*

    A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."

    Murder

    If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

    If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

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