Crime jokes

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.

They can't say no if they're unconscious.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fishes.

Fishes who?

Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!

Rape is not a joke.

The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.

Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...

When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"

She pulls out a knife and fork.

What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?

White vans.

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.