Crime jokes
Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"
She pulls out a knife and fork.
What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?
White vans.
Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.
There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.
The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"
No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.
What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?
A small medium at large.
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
How come none of my friends have dungeons? Oddly enough, they all have "rape dungeons."
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”
Who remembers when ‘tweeting’ meant “stabbing a hooker”?
Why did the moron throw his clock out the window?
The clocks reminded him of Richard Clock, the convict who knife-raped his wife.
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 100 pounds of crack.
People say that they miss xxxtentacion, like the bullet didn’t.
How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?
He CRACKed up.
Did you hear about the bank robber?
Turns out he got shot by the police.
And he wound up in prison.