Count jokes

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

Uma Thurman in "Pulp Fiction" was very kind and possibly the sweetest character, unless you count her forehead as of now.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

Yo mama's so fat that when Legolas killed her, Gimli counted her for two.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?

Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

How many fat people are in my house?

20, counting the kids in the basement.

If an emo counts down, don't worry, they probably have only one bullet.

Why was the math book sad at the rap battle?

Because it couldn't count the bars!

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

Yo mama's so fat, when she went on the scale it said, "Still counting."

Why was the rapper so good at math?

Because he could always count his bars.

I think the pollen count is a difficult job. Especially if you have hay fever.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."