Count jokes

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She chews before she swallows.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

(Ten, if you count in base 13!)

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

Does a midget count as an orphan?

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

If an emo counts down, don't worry, they probably have only one bullet.

Yo mama so fat, when she farts, it's counted as a new gas element.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

How many victims does Shaw have?

We don’t know yet. It’s four years and counting.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!