Count jokes

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She chews before she swallows.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

(Ten, if you count in base 13!)

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

Does a midget count as an orphan?

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

If an emo counts down, don't worry, they probably have only one bullet.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

Yo mama so fat, when she farts, it's counted as a new gas element.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

How many victims does Shaw have?

We don’t know yet. It’s four years and counting.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!