Count jokes

How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

(Ten, if you count in base 13!)

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

If an emo counts down, don't worry, they probably have only one bullet.

Yo mama so fat, when she farts, it's counted as a new gas element.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

How many victims does Shaw have?

We don’t know yet. It’s four years and counting.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

Does a midget count as an orphan?

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

Why was Hitler a Baka at mathematics? Because he can only count to Nein.

A hand job from a deaf person counts as oral.