Conversation jokes

Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

I still remember my granddad's last words,

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

Guy 1: How far are we going?

Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.

Guy: Do you know how to draw woman's rights?

Girl: No, how?

Guy: All you need is a blank paper and reality.

Friend: Slavery isn't good.

Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.

Me: Shut up and get me a juice!

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.

*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?

girl: Are you saying I'm fat?

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Or,

"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"

What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?

Man, you are really on edge.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.

What did Jim say to Jeff?

"I killed your ham."

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

What did the basketball say to the Frisbee... "No balls."