Comparison jokes

What's the difference between a child and a book?

One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.

A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.

What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?

They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.

I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.

what's the difference between a feminist and a knife?

one has a point.

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?

Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!

What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?

They both can crash down.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Shrek is ugly, but not uglier than you.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is a carrier bag.

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.

What do emo kids and bats have in common?

They both hang from trees.

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?

They both get paid to eat 200 balls!

I once had a cat that reminded me of Doug Ford.

Fat, mean, and probably inbred.