Comparison jokes

Sometimes I feel ugly, then remember I have a brother, then I feel better.

What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.

What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?

Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...

I told a Chinese man, "Which is better, cats or dogs?"

He said, "Dogs."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because dogs tasted better than cats."

Your hairline is like Quandel Dingle, it's so goofy!

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

What’s the difference between KFC and a woman on her period?

One is finger-licking good, and the other is just a fast-food restaurant.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes time to put you under.

What's the difference between Monday and a dick?

They're not different. They're both unnecessarily long and hard.

What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?

"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."

I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.

How are genders and the Twin Towers alike?

There was 2, now it's a sensitive subject.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"

Your forehead's so big that I was tryna figure out if that was you or the moon.

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

What will fall faster, an emo or an apple?

An apple, because the emo would get caught on the rope.

What's the difference between onions and children? Nothing, when you cut one everyone around you cries.

What's the difference between babies and onions?

You don't cry cutting up babies.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

What's the difference between blood and an orphan? Blood has a place in all of our hearts.