Comparison jokes
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Scissoring is nice when I grind my wee wee on my wife’s clit.
Humping that little guy is like riding a wet butt plug.
It’s nice hitting it from the back when my wife has wide hips.
Her butt cheeks look like big huge ball sacks as my thighs smack up against them when I’m thrusting. I like to finish off by grinding my weiner up and down her back like a gay man frotting his schlong on his partner’s ding dong.
What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?
They both come in small can.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
What is bigger than an elephant but smaller than two elephants?
A different sized elephant.
Your mum is stupid, just like you.
Your forehead is so big, it's bigger than a school!
Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.
Your forehead is so big that Mastermind thought you were his long lost brother!
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
What's the difference between onions and children? Nothing, when you cut one everyone around you cries.
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?
Pizza won't cut itself.
My dad was a master of art. He was compared to Houdini due to his skill of disappearing.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.
What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?
Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
What do emo kids and bats have in common?
They both hang from trees.
Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.