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Comparison

Comparison jokes

My dad was a master of art. He was compared to Houdini due to his skill of disappearing.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

  • 7

    • What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

    Little kids leave preschool.

  • 9

    • What do emo kids and bats have in common?

    They both hang from trees.

    Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.

    If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

    What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.

    What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

    With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.