What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby
I don't have a girlfriend
People are like potatoes.
We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.
I like my girls like I like my wine.
12 years old and locked in my basement.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Theirs a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking. At least Stephen Hawking does something.
My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
