Comparison jokes
Yo mama's so fat that when Legolas killed her, Gimli counted her for two.
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I saw a monkey yesterday, and thought it was you.
What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|
Q: What does a slice of pizza and an F grade have in common?
A: They're both cheesy.
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."
"Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper?" Replies, "No." "Gross!"
I thought the Sahara was the largest desert until I saw your forehead.
My sister said she was as fat as a coconut, so I threw one at her and she was right.
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
What's the difference between emo people and normal people? Normal people have wrists.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What's the difference between Obama and Trump?
Obama was a president and Trump was a whiny bitch!
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.
Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.
My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.