Comparison jokes
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.