Comedy jokes
Me at the Anti-Orphan Jokes convention. 💣🗡🔪🧨🔫
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?
What do eggs like doing on stage?
Cracking jokes!
The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
Little Johnny when he makes a Uranus joke:
Little Johnny: I have achieved comedy! 😂😂😂😂😂
I want to tell you a joke about 9/11... but I'm afraid it will be the bomb.
If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
I'm about to go to the orphanage to tell yo mama jokes.
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."
I'm gonna stop telling rape jokes...
They just seem so forced.
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
Dating 101:
Here's what you do:
1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.
I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.
It didn't work.
Your Mama so fat, when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed but the sidewalk cracked up.