Comedy Jokes

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

What’s a rapper’s favorite martial art?

Punchlines.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.

What comes after 69?

Period.

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line is too long.

What did Jessiey do?

Jump and make a explosionnnnnnnn, heyyyy gas!

Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

More jokes.

Q: Get up for a chair joke!

A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

Who is the least young Dave?

Dave-on.

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.