Comedy jokes

What is the best joke of all time?

Feminism.

Your hairline goes so far back it looks like it got slapped back by Will Smith.

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

Q. What is Terri Schiavo's favorite Eminem song?

A. "Till I Collapse."

Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-

My buddies think I'm on the lake.

Boss thinks I've been sick for days.

And mama's probably on her way

'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.

I've been a million places,

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Took a trip down memory lane.

Checked into hotel heartbreak.

Passed rock bottom on the way

Without leaving my living room.

I've been a million places

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Yeah

I've been gone.

All the clothes are on the floor

All the mail's by the door

All the whiskey bottles in my bed.

All the dishes in the sink

All the gas is in the tank

All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

Gone

(1968) - Hellen Keller died, didn’t you hear?

No?

Well neither did she.

What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?

"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"

No more toilet paper jokes, please.

Stop with the 9/11 jokes, people. They're just not gonna fly.

What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"? They never get old.

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

Why should you never make height jokes about dwarfs?

It goes right over their head.

What did the man's dick say to the man?

I just can't "hand"le it!

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.

I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.

How can you tell a Pokémon likes baseball?

Every night he turns into a Golbat.

Me. I am the worst joke ever.

Why are Helen Keller jokes so funny?

Because she’s blind and deaf.

My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!