Comedy jokes

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Knock knock. Who's there? Stephen Hawking. Wheelie?

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A: A bed.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: How many letters are in the alphabet? A: 11. A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Jokes are rather funny.

Have you heard the joke about the paper?

Never mind, it's tear-able.

Yo mama is so ugly that if she went on stage, the show would instantly say, "And that's a wrap!"

Why is it so punny when Sans tells a joke in the evening?

Because a SANSET is happening.

It insists upon itself, Lois, it insists upon itself.

What did the farmer say when he saw his chicken cross the road?

"No, my cock!"

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.

Head and Shoulders!

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Why didn't the movie star argue with the customer service clerk?

He didn't have a good counter act!

I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

- What do you call a dog that can do magic?

- A labracadabrador.

I just found out, these jokes are about dead people.

What's your mom on?

Deez nuts!

Why is Jenna Marbles so funny? She lost all her marbles.