Comedy jokes
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
I was gonna make a gay joke but fuck it.
What did one chair say to the other?
"I'm so bummed out!"
I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.
It looks like Will Smith slapped your hairline so hard that the dinosaurs can see it now.
If they made a movie about your sex life, what would it be?
In Afghanistan, it would be "Twelve Years a Slave!" 🤣
Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.
What's the difference between Autism and Gender?
Autism is on a spectrum.
Hey baba girl, I have balls, you know.
I told a 9/11 joke to my friends today.
It didn't land well.
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.
You're so tall you can go see God, but you're so tall your balls got small.
Q. What do filicide jokes and filicide victims have in common?
A. They never get old.
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni and got plane.
I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.