Comedy jokes

At night in the Nunnery, one Nun says to the other Nun, "Where's the candle?" The other Nun says, "Doesn't it!"

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.

Why did all the numbers laugh at 22? Because it had "tu tu's."

Yes, I'm CUTE.

C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty.

59009 flip it backwards on your calculator... it = boobs!

Sugar Honey Ice Tea.

I FORGOT MY JOKE!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

What's so bad about 9 divided by 11?

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

How do you get a million Pikachus in a bus?

You shove them on!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-alot-a-puss.

All of the jokes are just abuse.

I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.