A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
Comedy Jokes
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
Q: Why do I like bone jokes so much?
A: Because they are humerus.
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Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What did Sarah get for Christmas? I dunno, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.
Oliver Savage and Dr. Mummy.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.
It's a RUF life in Africa.
I told a chemistry joke once.
There was no reaction.
Why do pizzas not tell jokes?
They're too cheesy.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A.M.
Holmes said, "Look up, Watson, what can you see?"
"Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A.M."
"What else, Watson?"
"It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What Else, Watson?"
"What am I supposed to see, Holmes?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent!"
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...
Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Grandma." "Oh, okay."
Nah, it's a penis.
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.
As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.
As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.
Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"
How does a blonde turn the light off after sex?
She closes the car door.
