Comeback jokes
Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.
Bully: Your fat.
Me: Fat is something to fix, but your face isn't.
Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.
Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?
Gina: Ha! YOU HAVE NOTHING!
Orphan: Yes I do.
Gina: What do you have then?
Orphan: Parents.
Gina: LIAR!
Well, if someone ever calls you gay 🌈🏳️🌈, just say, "Well, at least I'm straighter than the pole your mommy dances on." 🤣🖕
When you tell your mom that she is bad at jokes, then she tells you, "Well, I made you!"
When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"
When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"
My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?
Once they're gone, they never come back.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."
Me: Your ugly...
Person: I'm not your mirror...
Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"
I walked towards him.
"I prefer slit," I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
"You look like you've lost some weight."
"Really? Well, whatever weight I lost, you found it, pal!"
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
If a black person calls you a cracker, let them say it. You can say things they can't say, like, "Thanks for the warning, officer!"