Comeback jokes
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days.
I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”
What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?
He didn't come back with the milk.
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
Sister: You're so stupid.
Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!
Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!
Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.
What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?
Kill their parents.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
(Bully) Boy, you ugly!
(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.
Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.
Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
When someone says don't talk back to me, say, "I wasn't aware that answering a question was considered talking back."