Come jokes

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Why do orphans hate any milk?

Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧

Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?

Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.

I didn't steal it. 🌚

Why can't emos come out of the closet to their parents?

Because they won't be there to stick around.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

Me in 2078 when the COVID-19 delta alpha theta beta cya layta alligayta nlgga chungus sussy deef clussy sussy bussy cunnybrap variant comes out and I need to stay in lockdown for another 2 years with my new mandated virus stopper buttplug 9000.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?

Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.

How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

FEW!!!!!!!

What’s blue and comes in brownies?

Cub Scouts.

Your mum is so ugly that aliens don’t come here.

What goes in and comes out and makes you feel good but isn't sexual?

(Insulin)

What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?

"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"

"MERCURY INSURANCE, come to our office in Mercury."

What is the difference between the snow boots on a day today, but you have the one was the night you were coming tomorrow? I can get home night time for.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

What did Spiderman say on September 11th, 2001?

"Look out, Here comes the Spiderman!"

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.