So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.
Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?
Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.
Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.
Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!
Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.
Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...
NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!
So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.
So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”
Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"
Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"
If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."
Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.
What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?
They both come in small can.
Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
Yesterday I got detention because I said to the emo kid, "Come hang with us."
We are coming out with a Whopper that is similar to a priest because it also has its meat between 5-year-old buns.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
What is an orphan's favorite day?
Tomorrow: that is when the sun will come out.
I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
What do you call a person with no arms and legs?
You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.
Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?
Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.
I didn't steal it. 🌚
