Child jokes
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?
A: The ins and outs of child rearing.
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.
So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?
My penis.
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
My son.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"
So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Where do religious kids practice sports?
In the prayground.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.
What's the difference between a pool and a toddler?
One doesn't scream when you go in dry ;)
How long does it take for 10 dead babies to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.