So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...
A man goes into a job interview and sits down.
The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"
The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"
The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"
The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)
Just because you have a career in the North doesn't mean you are North Korean.
I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?
"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?"
At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?
A Catholic priest.
I hear coal mining is a rock-bottom job.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
