Can jokes

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.

What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Why was the Pokemon under your bed? So it can Pikachu.

How can you tell a bow n' arrows scared?

He starts to quiver! ;)

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"

The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"

The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"

The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"

The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

Why do Asians excel at math?

Because their dog can never eat their homework.