Can jokes

What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.

I can see Uranus from here, and it's mighty gassy!

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."

A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

You can pick your friends and you can pick your 🤥 nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses 👃 👃 👃 👃 👃 👃 👃.

Does it 🚲 🚲 🚲 cycle now?

What can change color and get beat up?

You.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, How many bananas can I fit, Maybe two?

Can we have a party in space?

First, we need to planet ;)

Get it? "Plan it" = planet.

How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

A: Do you eat food?

B: Yes...

A: You can sit on deez nuts then!

B: Omg I have depression now.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.