Can jokes

What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?

"Can you give me some pointers?"

What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.

What did the orphan say to the house? Can I live here?

Why were condoms invented? So gay guys can have sword fights.

Why did the orphan drop the soap in prison? So he can have a prison daddy.

I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.

He one day said his business was "remarkable."

How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?

'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Why can you not let an orphan touch an iPhone 7? Because it would break if they touched the home button.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

Technoblade can defeat every Minecraft player, but he still can’t defeat cancer!

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

Orphans can be gay, no problem, because they have no one to disown them.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.