Can jokes
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
Highest level of insult by a girl by seeing a guy's dick:
"I can shit bigger logs than that thing of your's" 🤣
Yo momma so short... You can see her feet on her driver's license photo!
9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
What is the most annoying thing your parents say to you, and what is the dumbest thing someone can say that annoys you?
The most annoying thing your parents can say: "Finish your dinner, there are starving kids in Africa!" No, you can't have any dessert until you finish your dinner. (See how annoying that is!)
The dumbest thing someone can say that annoys you: "Why is your name Crayla? Why is your last name Goldburg? Is it like a gold bird!" (That is really annoying if you ask me!)
Thanks for reading this...bye!
God- make a grumpy old man president.
Angel- why?
G- cause I said so-name him Trump.
A- okay.
G- make him not pay taxes.
A- okay...
Fast forward to 2020
G- you know that grumpy old man?
A- yea...
G- make him create a deadly virus named after a beer.
A- Krona.
G- exactly.
A- why do you hate humans so much?
G- because I can.
So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why are orphans good at math? Because they can subtract their parents from the family.
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
My joke: You have to guess, answers come at 3:00. Why did the cow jump into space?
Hint... it smelled its favorite food 🍱 and saw its future!
That hint was technically the whole answer. Can you guess in 3 hours? Lol, I will be posting every time, and my giveaway starts at 5:00: my mega fly ride bat dragon 🐉 and five jungle eggs.
How can you tell a woman's pussy is good?
You smell her fingers.
I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."
What can hold anything on the moon? A crater.