Can jokes
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.
If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.
I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.
I guess you can say she had me in a trans.
"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."
- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*
Your forehead is so big you can land a jumbo jet on it.
The only thing they can see are their chopsticks.
Q: What's an orphan's favorite game?
A: The Sims 4, because then they can simulate having a family.
Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
You can say he is not your type until you realize your type is not typing.
Why can't I touch little old women, but nursing home nurses can?
Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.
Why does an orphan like church so much? So he can call someone "father."
Why does the orphan like nature? He can call someone "mother."