Can jokes

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

What kind of fruit can fix your sink?

A plum-ber.

Why can you never surprise mountains?

They peak.

What do you call a German that can not see?

A Not-see.

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

What's the rarest gun you can find in Africa? A water gun.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"

The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"

The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"

The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"

The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

Why can North Korea draw a straight line? Because they've got a supreme ruler.

Why do Asians excel at math?

Because their dog can never eat their homework.