Can jokes
People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."
Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."
What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?
I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.
(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.
was uppppp
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
Why do Chinese people like playing Among Us?
It’s the only place they can vote!
Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
What’s the difference between Jane Doe and a roller coaster?
You can ride both on Ketamine, but only one will get you on the news.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
What's the difference between a bird and jam?
You can ham your cock in a bird, but you can't bird your cock in a jam.
The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."
What's the difference between a priest and customer service?
At least you can call customer service and tell them how your experience was.
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!
One day a rooster fell into a swimming pool and a cat laughed. And the moral of the story? A wet cock can always satisfy a pussy.
"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."
"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"
What did Jupiter say to Uranus? Hey, I can see your Uranus from here!
I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.
Why was the fanny flat?
So it can flop about.