Can jokes
Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.
One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
What has 4 wheels and can fly? A garbage truck.
A man walks into a library.
Man: "Hello ma'am, do you know where I can find a book on suicide?"
Librarian: "Do you know about our return policy?"
Suicidal Man: ...
Librarian: ...
The Woman checking out a book: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
My friend is blind so he can "no see."
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
WOW! I CAN SEE THE TWIN TOWERS FROM HERE.
Why do Chinese people like playing Among Us?
It’s the only place they can vote!
Why is there no invitation to an internet party for those with laptops? Everyone can get in.
Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.
Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"
Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"
What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?
Vat-I-cans!
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
Hey, cobalt can't. But tin can ;)
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
What is a dog that you can drive?
A big doggy car.
Why do kids have school every day? So that they can learn.