Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are in the U.S.
