Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Can Jokes
Can a match box? No, but a tin can.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
