Can

Can jokes

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

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    • I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

    I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

    She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

    What do you call a magic car that I can do to help me out for you and I will be doing a great day?

    Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

    Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

    Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

    Teacher: He did not.

    Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

    Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

    Suzy: Then you can ask him.

    Adopted kid:

    Hey, Alex, what are you doing?

    Alex:

    Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."

    Adopted kid:

    OK, dad Alex.

    Alex:

    Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!

    Adopted kid:

    I’m so glad I have a mom.

    The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"

    Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"

    "Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."

    "No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"

    Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

    So my sis thinks she's so smart. She said, "You can finish this move ten minutes later. Go to sleep."

    A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

    It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."

    Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

    So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

  • 0

    • An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

    Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

    Why can a gay man give a better brojob to a heterosexual man than another heterosexual man?

    Experience.

  • 0

    • Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”