what did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? Safe life repair, safe life replace!
I don't understand why when I went to the shooting range today the police came, like bro I always go to elementary schools
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation
This girl came to me and said "I got raped in my sleep" I replied "I done it as a joke" -April 1 2020
I was making sandcastles with my Nan then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.
A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "
Me: My gf broke up with me yesterday and I had her wheel chair
Me: guess who came crawling right back
(First Person) :Knock Knock, Who there? (2nd Person): Lemme talk to you, when we finna slide, what we finna do, Knock Knock, who there, time to make a move, slayin all then demons and we gotta move in too. (Second Person): Knock Knock, (1st p): who there, let me talk to you, be careful where you stepin out cause you aint bullet proof, Knock Knock, who there? time to make a move, block is full of shooters, and they didnt come to hoop.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?".
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme"
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends I milk a cow and it took awhile for it to warm up and his brother came over and said we don't have cows we have Bulls
Kid. What is an orphans favorite breakfast? Teacher. What? Kid. Fruity pebbles with water Teacher. Why water? Kid. Cause it's dad never came back with the milk
What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guys asshole?
He said “Fuck this shit!”
I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dived to save it, he said he always dives for pens.
When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?
The reason why people are short is because their dad never came back with the milk.
When my dad left he said he would bring back the milk but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him and he said "I used all the milk to make your sister"
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and reg stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
I came home from school One day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks so I did except I kicked him out him and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way
