My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...
He’s a suicide bomber.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
On 9/11 the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas, one came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Why do the japanese hate Christmas???
Becasue the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
So I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said "Yes ma'am." She said "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said "Okay, thanks bitch."
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
One day I came home from school and said to my dad 'I got expelled from school today' he said ' how' I said I threw my book at the teacher' he asked why' I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can't hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. '
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
What does a crippled person's legs and the twin towers have in common, they both went down and never came back up
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
How to tell if your depressed? You came to a website called worst jokes ever . com looking for a quick smile.
I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said "i am still choosing" she looked horrified
