Call jokes
What do you call a chair with a hat?
I don't know; the real question is, why was the chair wearing a hat?
Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Superman has been called to a huge house fire.
Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"
Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"
Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
What do you call a 18+ animal jam?
Play Wild!
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do you call a male ladybug?
Trans.
What does a 911 call receiver say when they get a call?
"9 Juan Juan, who this?"
What did the cow say to the cheese? I am your father.
What do you call a cow that's laying down? Ground Beef.
Want to hear a joke? It's called life.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
What do you call a smart blonde?
Nonexistent.
Some people call them glue sticks, but they're blue sticks.
So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?
What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.
What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.
What do you call a cross between a computer and a vampire bat?
Love at first byte! <3
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Q: What do you call an angry monkey?
A: Furious George!
I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.
The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."
Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"
I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"
Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"
John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.
By Lewis