But jokes

I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?

Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.

Life is beautiful, but you are ugly.

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

I went up to an orphan bully and I said, "Here, look, I made a website!"

The orphan likes it, but the kid says, "I forgot one feature, though... the home button."

"The dad was so horny he wanted to have sex with his wife, but his wife said no, so he fucked his daughter."

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Roses are red, violets are blue, You make me pee like I drink tea, you make me go buzz, like becoming a fuzz.

It sticks in, but it goes to the bin, after its use, it will be reused, no it is not what your thinking its -~-(clay)-~-

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.

Attention, everyone: I will be leaving this website. Thank you everybody who has been nice to me. Maybe I’ll come back in the future, but for now: Goodbye.

They call me Juan, they call me Jose, but I'm Juan person.

An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.

The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"

And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.

Roses are red,

my life is a disaster,

the children are fast,

but the combine is F A S T E R!

Why were the Twin Towers upset? Because they ordered pepperoni and cheese pizza, but instead got plain!

Why were the Twin Towers workers disappointed? Because they ordered a ham and cheese, but all they got was a plane.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

You know I would tell you a 9/11 joke, but it just doesn’t hit the spot.