But jokes

Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

I make science puns, but only periodically.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.