But jokes

Everybody misses Xxxtentacion, but the bullet didn't...

What is a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it sure as hell ain't plain.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Little Johnny tried phone sex, but the holes were too small.

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

Twin Towers ordered Little Caesars but they got jets.

So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.

Can February march? -- No, but April may.

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jill's real name is Randy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

Why were the people in the Twin Towers sad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded.

But it was only on paper view.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.