But jokes

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

25 disabled children.