But jokes

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

I was going to make alligator last night, but I noticed I only have a crockpot. 🤣

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

What is hard to find but easy to make?

An orphan.

I'm high and it's very hot.

I need some water, but I don't got none. AHAHA.

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?

A candle or a pencil!

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?

Answer: Your right elbow.

I wanna tell you a scary math joke, but I'm too squared to tell you.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

I was Gandalf the Grey.

But now, after just three washes...

One day, I was walking down the street, and then I saw something really funny, and then I ran, and I saw a boomer, but I don't really know what I'm talking about, lol.

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.