But jokes

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

What did the passengers of the plane say when they saw the airplane strip? Nothing, because it was not an airplane strip, but a tower.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.

I'll call your mom a cow, but which one?

When a clock goes forward, it goes "tic-tac," but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.

Logan Taub has a BBC, Big Butt Chin!

There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

For my birthday on September 11th this year, I just want a plane, but delicious, chocolate cake.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I don't know, but the Twin Towers do.

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.

One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped, I didn’t laugh, but the floor cracked up.

I would make a joke about fat people, but they already have enough on their plate.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.