But jokes

Quote from Seth no.1: "I would have fought back, but she was seven."

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I’d say Leo is as sharp as a marble, but that would be an insult to marbles.

I don't know what makes BlessedBrian so STUPID, but it REALLY works!

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

BlessedBrian is always stupid, but he’s been making a SPECIAL EFFORT recently.

I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.

I would call Slade dense, but that would be an insult to rocks.

I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.

You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

I'd tell a slavery joke, but they've been flogged to death.

If you give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a couple of hours, but if you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life :)

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.

What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .