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I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

America Twin Tower: "Hey, have you seen the Malaysian Twin Tower? I have, but only from 1971 to 2001."

Malaysian Twin Tower: "I STOOD LONGER!"

What did the beat say to the rapper?

"You're off rhythm, but I'll give you a hand!"

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE!

Leo is like Monday mornings... everyone dreads her, but we're forced to deal with her anyway.

I’d tell BlessedBrian to aim for the stars, but it seems like his GRAVITATIONAL PULL is holding him back.

Nasruddin Hodja was tilling his patch of land when a hunter came riding up.

“Hey, you!" said the man. “Did you see a boar run past?"

“Yes," replied Hodja.

“Which way did it go?" demanded the man.

Hodja pointed in the direction in which the boar had gone.

The man rode away without a word of thanks, but he was back within minutes.

“No sign of it!" he said. “Are you sure it went that way?"

“I am certain," replied Hodja. “It went that way. Two years ago."

"BlessedBrian" is like Monday mornings... everyone dreads him, but somehow he KEEPS SHOWING UP.