Business jokes
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
Why is rape, rape? Because she is too busy enjoying the moment to say yes.
I like dicks... sporting goods.
Q: What do you call a security guard at Samsung?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."
Why can't orphans go to Costco?
Because it's a family shop.
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
I went to a 90 minute prostitute once. She was a whore and a half, I tell ya!
Everybody is wondering what position Kenny will give his brother in their new company.
Probably top.
Kenny likes to be the bottom in every sexual encounter.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost? The nearest Shell station.
A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT?
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What's the difference between an orphanage and a supermarket?
People actually want stuff in a supermarket.
What kind of trumpet are you playing?
An "Donald Trumpet"!
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill Gates!