Birth jokes

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Why can't orphans ever get a car? Because they don't have a birth certificate.

Yo mama is so huge, when she was born everyone died.

Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.

I have special needs, and I was born with it.

What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!

Why are people born in December, January, and February easy to get along with?

They're cool and chill.

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

I know everything about Walt Disney! How he died, how his mom and dad died, how his kids died, when he was born, where he was born, and how he was born. 😏

Bro, you were born in a local 7-Eleven bathroom.

The way ladies cheat nowadays is very alarming.

She might give birth to twins, but each twin having a different father. 😭

You were born on a highway in a car crash, I wonder why.

The thing my mom birthed.

In America, mom births you.

In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Once upon a time, three babies were born in 2015. She was always crying for 2015. He loves her birth date. 🤗😈🤗🤕🤒no🤗🤑😱😎🙌🙏🙈🙉🙊

Yo mama so ugly, she had to ask Satan to help her give birth!