Birth jokes
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.
I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a premature Chinese baby birth? Wong Tai-Ming.
Yo momma's so hairy that when the baby came out, it got rug burn.
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: The highway.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.
"Dustin Jordan Manna should have been an abortion."
Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?
Wrong тайминг.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
Yo mama so clumsy, she gave birth to you.
I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.