Birth jokes
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Yo mama so ugly, she had to ask Satan to help her give birth!
Daughter: Where was I born?
Dad: Alabama.
Daughter: That is nice.
Mum: We have never been to Alabama.
Dad: RUN!
I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. But then I was born.
But in my defense, I was young then, and I had a womb without a view.
One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.
Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
Once upon a time, three babies were born in 2015. She was always crying for 2015. He loves her birth date. 🤗😈🤗🤕🤒no🤗🤑😱😎🙌🙏🙈🙉🙊
If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
Runescape is the only form of birth control that is 100% effective.
Yo mama so old, on her birth certificate it said "expired."
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles popped out.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
Yo mama so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a shopping list.
Yo mama so ugly, she made the devil go to church.
Yo mama so lazy that she didn’t give birth to you until you were 15.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Who is the first person an orphan sees? The doctor.
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
You were born out of your dad.
Why can't you ever fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
Yo mama so old, she was there when Moses was born.
Louie being born.
What do you call a baby that came out of their mother's womb? A virgin.