What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
If you’re ever bored, then go outside and punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell, their parents?
They say they'll stay, but I left first.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
So if you are bored, punch an orphan.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?🙄🙄
So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them.
They burst into tears.
I was worried that they would call their mom, well... um... I got away.
What do garbage bins and horny women have in common?
They wait to be filled with a big load.
Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!
What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?
Quiet kids.
Gwen, why are you so nice?
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Q: What do you call a cranky cow?
A: Moooooooody.
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
You're cheap; no one even pays attention.
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".
I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.
Class: No one stands up.
Teacher: Oh, c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *teacher waves her finger around the left side of the room.*
Little Johnny: *stands up.*
Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?
Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
