One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Is it bad to hit an orphan?
It's not like they'll tell their parents.
My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry ... So I threw a carrot at her
Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
What do you call a man who plays Fortnite 24/7?
A: A virgin.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?
He won't separate the whites from the colors...
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.
