My wife thinks i’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.

Why was Hitler bad at math?

He could only count to nein.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamuswife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.”

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of salad?

A chicken sees a salad( chicken Caesar salad )

Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year. Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, i give you bad luck for 7 years. Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.

why is america bad at chess, we already lost two towers

Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): How are you doing? Me, an autist: Pretty bad honestly. Guy (continued walking past me) Me: …

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

It’s funny that everyone is depressed like I mean Bullys are depressed Nerds are depressed Bad girls/boys are depressed Kind humans are depressed

What is Green and Red and goes round and round? A frog in a blender (this next one is pretty bad, and I don’t mean it, so don’t get offended) What’s the difference between a Mexican and a park bench? One can support an average family

You got a black cat. He was bad luck. Everyone left you and you comited suicide. What a CATastrophe.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn’t see that one coming, don’t feel bad, they didn’t either

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi’s concerts… I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

Why is USA so bad at chess

Because they already lost two towers

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

why cant vampires tell jokes right? all their jokes just SUCK

What did Gandalf say to Mario? You shell not pass!