Attitude jokes

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

Why is the blind kid popular?

He can't see the middle fingers.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Why did the emo kid leave the food on the table?

It was the Happy Meal.

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

Me and the boys are cool.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

There were once these two twins. One twin, no matter what happened, was always pissed off, while the other one was always happy.

This baffled scientists, so they ran an experiment on the twins to figure out what was happening. They took the angry one and left him in a room with all of the latest technology and the most expensive toys and left him overnight. When they came back, he was still grumpy. When they asked him why, he said, "None of these are actually mine, and you left me in here all night, so I'm angry!"

His explanation was reasonable, so they ran another experiment on the other kid. This time, they left him overnight in a room that was literally just filled with horse shit. When they came back to check on him the next morning, he was still smiling. When they asked him why, he said, "With all of this horse crap, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Why do men like big tits and a flat ass?

Because they got little dicks and big mouths.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

If you're feeling mad, punch an autistic kid. What's he gonna do, blabber to the teacher?

We clap when we see you. We clap our hands over our eyes.

I dislike the UK with a great taste.

Why do emo kids not get phones? Because the phone dies before them.

Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.

"Jordan, motherfucker, your face looks like a slut, and your life is trash. Stop picking on kids and LEAVE THEM HELL ALONE!"

I have a joke about lazy people!

Actually... forget it... it won't work.