New Attitude Jokes

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

What do you call a booty that’s always negative?

A pessimist-cheek.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

I hate autistic kids and ADHD people because they are stupid, special, retarded, brainless freaks, and they are stupid.

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

Some people are such "treasures" that you just want to bury them.

Leo is like Monday mornings... everyone dreads her, but we're forced to deal with her anyway.

Why do strippers never care about things?

Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."